Published on Slackjaw on 8 May
Coldplay: You have built a treehouse in which you will live for the duration.
The Eagles: Keeping your fridge stocked with beer has become your life purpose.
Bob Marley: Keeping your fridge stocked with peanut butter and bananas has become your life purpose.
Shania Twain: You miss your hairdresser the most.
Guns N’ Roses: You miss your bartender the most.
The Beach Boys: You are slowly losing your mind.
Mariah Carey: Your neighbors thought they knew you.
Black Sabbath: You have formed a vigilante group to make sure people stay indoors.
Backstreet Boys: Your dog thinks about eating you.
Motorhead: The staff in your liquor store are afraid for you.
Motley Crue: The staff in your liquor store have barred you.
Elvis: 1950s-style living is not the great laugh you remembered.
Bob Dylan: You walk the streets and wonder where everyone is.
Bruce Springsteen: You write poems and hand them to grocery clerks.
Frank Sinatra: Your children wish you slept more.
Taylor Swift: You have bigger fish to fry, like climate change.
The Doors: You look out your window and think it must be Sunday.
Justin Bieber: When this all over you are getting a tattoo with the dates of lockdown.
Kanye West: You have a conspiracy theory.
AC/DC: Your neighbors are not sleeping so well.
Eminem: You have decided to never return to work.
Creedence Clearwater Revival: You were prepared for something like this for decades.
Neil Young: You prefer lockdown.
Alanis Morissette: You regret not having a TV.
Metallica: You have stockpiled food and ammunition.
Fleetwood Mac:Youhave stockpiled candles and flour.
The Bee Gees: You are angry for the first time in your life.
Garth Brooks: You wish you lived alone.
Prince: You wish you lived in a commune.
Led Zeppelin: The fact that you get excited going to the supermarket smudges your soul.